My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.