Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
#parenting
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
honestly, i need both:
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra