Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
You Might Also Like
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The Struggle
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.