Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.