Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.