The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
😜
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I’m too immature for adultery.