-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
You Might Also Like
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm