GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.