Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july