Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
HR said no more nunchucks.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.