My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Uh oh…
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
some things should go without saying
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”