Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Well, that should do it
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.