The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.