I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
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when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Got him!
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984