Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
This was the best day of my life
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The days of good grammer has went
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”