my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
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I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇