Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what