Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You Might Also Like
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside