Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit