DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?