I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
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Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.