back to work
You Might Also Like
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
men are simple creatures
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
That took me a moment.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos