*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.