Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
incredible book dedication
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I am also baked goods
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Need this in my life lol
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.