[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Breaking news:
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*