For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
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Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection