Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
One venti cheeseburger please.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT