Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone