Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Children of the corn 🌽
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Look at this
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”