found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.