My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
BETRAYAL
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.