Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
But wait…
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?