me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?