Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Sharon I have some bad news
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.