Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
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The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
San Francisco has too many rules
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“what that mouth do?” complain
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.