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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Friday night party time 🥳
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
yes… yes…
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.