*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.