Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”