Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Still cracks me up
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The Compass
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me