Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
This is my favorite one of these!
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Oh we’ve met.