[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen