We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
You Might Also Like
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT