Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Husband of the year 😂
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib