me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]