I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”