If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
When I snag the last meatball.