why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
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Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Still cracks me up
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.