[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.