It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’