Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.